Can an Ex Be a Friends With Benefits
Honey Evan,
I broke up with my girlfriend of 11 months three months agone. I pulled the trigger but I recollect that if I hadn't she would have within a calendar month, we were fighting and so much. Nosotros are both immature (xx-21) and in college, and were both each others' first existent relationship.
My problem is that, after cutting all contact with her for two months, I have recently started having sex with her again. Her idea. I initially rejected her offer out of spite (and to keep myself from developing feelings again), only she was persistent and then my "other" head won out over my rational head, equally often happens.
Predictably, I think I accept developed feelings for her again. These are non rational feelings. Logically, I know I do non want to be with her because i) it'due south over and I want to meet someone new, and I am actively pursuing other women (I have a date tomorrow in fact), and 2) she said and did some things that really hurt me while nosotros were dating and I don't want to go through that again.
But it's not just the sexual activity I like… she's wonderful to hang out with, we have great interpersonal chemistry, she lends me CDs, always offers to help me with stuff, etc. I am also pretty introverted, so my social life takes a big hit if I cut her out of information technology.
In a moment of weakness where I brought upwardly the possibility of a relationship again, she fabricated it quite clear she does non want to be with me, beyond friends with benefits. Her rationale is, "I'm attracted to you, we're compatible in bed and I dear hanging out with yous, but I can't see me spending the rest of my life with you. Our values are likewise different."
Simply, the alternative of reinventing your life is a lot less highly-seasoned than keeping up your unpleasant condition quo.
My business organisation is that she will find someone earlier I do, and thus I volition be lonely and devastated, feeling used as a filler. Nosotros have discussed this and she says she wouldn't experience that manner if I constitute someone commencement… a bit jealous maybe, simply not devastated. I know the best decision is to just STOP seeing her. I have made repeated attempts to do this, but they all ultimately fail. I don't call her and she doesn't call me, just nosotros encounter each other, and terminate up in bed every time. This is all my own failing, considering she has made clear to me EXACTLY what she wants, with no pretense. Nobody is leading anybody on. I can tell her no whatever time I want… withal I never do.
Should I merely suck information technology up and enjoy what I have while it lasts, or actively avert her if I see her? I'm dislocated every bit hell and I don't know what I want.
R
Thanks for the electronic mail reminder, R, that relationship questions know no gender boundaries. You're the traditional woman in this scenario, and I'g pretty sure that any woman here could tell you lot EXACTLY what to exercise.
Just since yous asked me, and I'g a guy, I'chiliad going to lay it out for you in guy terms.
You had a expert matter going that went bad. And what y'all've now discovered, at 21, is that, often having something flawed is ameliorate than having nada.
This would explicate why we stay in expressionless-cease jobs and dysfunctional relationships way past their expiration dates. Simply, the alternative of reinventing your life is a lot less appealing than keeping up your unpleasant status quo.
And who could blame you lot? Losing a girlfriend means losing your best friend. It means giving up your source of constant sex activity. Information technology means scrapping the human relationship you've been building for xi months. It means you suddenly have a lot of time to fill that was previously occupied. In short, a break-up leaves a tremendous void that doesn't just get magically filled. It takes piece of work. And a lot of the work is going to be of the trial-and-error diversity – going out to bars and not having the guts to ask for a number, emailing a few women online who relegate you to the friend zone, taking out a few first dates where in that location'southward no chemistry, hooking up with a couple of women for whom you have no feelings.
So you lot say to yourself – "Was information technology really that bad? I mean, my life kind of sucks now. Maybe I should requite her more than of a shot. She knows me a lot better than anyone else out there, nosotros do have dandy sex, and I don't have to accept her on expensive dates." And that's how you find yourself right dorsum where you lot started.
I've been in your shoes, and I'one thousand very sympathetic. A woman I loved dumped me primarily because she couldn't handle who I was – a dating autobus, a flirt, and unapologetic virtually both. A few weeks afterwards she broke up with me, she came back to figure out how to make things work. Later all, we had and so much worth preserving; it would be a shame to allow our chemistry simply fizzle out similar that. But as much as I was dazzled by her and wanted her back, I knew one thing for certain: she was the exact same person who dumped me three weeks before. Nil had changed – except we were both a little scared and lone on our ain. That fright and loneliness was bringing u.s.a. dorsum together, and would take been the easiest thing to give into.
She doesn't want you back. She wants to employ yous similar a sexual activity toy and non deal with you every bit a young man.
Don't exercise it.
For two reasons: 1) After 11 months, you lot know this girl well enough to know exactly what you'd be getting if you took her back. two) She doesn't want you back. She wants to utilize yous similar a sexual practice toy and not deal with y'all as a boyfriend. I can't recall of a stronger endorsement as to why you should cut this woman out of your life.
"Friends with benefits" is bully conceptually; just one time someone develops feelings, information technology all falls apart. Don't ignore your feelings, R. Use them to your reward. Retrieve almost all the reasons you resent your ex and use them as a justification to cut her off common cold-turkey.
Not simply volition she survive just fine without you, merely you'll take a chance to thrive on your own. More importantly, your freedom will aid you find a girlfriend who may be a keeper. This 1'due south certainly not it.
Source: https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/sex/my-ex-girlfriend-wants-to-be-friends-with-benefits-but-i-still-have-feelings-for-her
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